Arggghhh!!!

So I'm majorly angry, upset and just plain frustrated right now. This is going to be ranty and personal, so bear with me people.
I will admit one thing. I'm not your average skinny girl, I'm not even an average girl. I'm large. There I've said it. So anyone that wants to make fat jokes and laugh at me. Go ahead. I've probably heard it all before anyway.
I've had problems with my weight for a very long time now and only recently have I been diagnosed with a condition that actually makes it difficult for me to lose weight, which sucks majorly. It's a pretty common condition in women and it comes with a whole host of nasty problems, including weight gain and the difficulty in losing it. Brill. But worse than this is the fact that I may not be able to have kids. So from my point of view, not being able to have kids greatly outweighs the whole "oh gosh, I'm a little overweight" problem. Even so, I do want to lose weight and I have tried pretty much everything under the sun.
I lost a considerable amount of weight about 5 years ago. To achieve this, it took me not eating very much at all and a very abusive ex who told me to keep not eating. This made me very ill and I wasn't happy and I was just generally in a very bad place in my life.
So what happened when I lost loads of weight? Was everyone happy for me? Did they leave me alone? Fuck no. I was apparently too skinny then. And apparently I looked gaunt and I looked better when I was fatter. Fucking brilliant. Everyone went mental about what I ate (or didn't) and about how much I exercised (a lot). I didn't realise how bad it was until I was taking to my best friend recently and she told me how she used to have to cry to get me to eat. I didn't remember that until she mentioned it- I guess I must've just blocked it out.
But anyway, I'm not thin anymore. Not remotely. But I was happy. Not anymore. It probably boils down to the fact that I got rid of the controlling psycho, met my lovely, loving boyfriend and just stopped being so obsessed with what I eat. I admit though, I've probably relaxed a little too much because as soon as I started eating, I put on all the weight and then some. But because I was in a better place in my life, it didn't bother me as much as it used to. So why am I so upset today?
I don't know. I don't know why I let it get to me so much today. Basically it's my cousin's birthday tomorrow and they're all wearing saris. So they asked me to as well. I don't particularly like looking like a freshie, but if everyone else is, then it'll be fun. Right? So I told my mum this. And bloody hell. She launches into a massive lecture on how I shouldn't wear a sari because I'm too fat and ugly. About how I shouldn't listen to my cousins because they can say anything because they'll look pretty in a sari, but I'll look ugly so why would I do that. She said a lot more, but I can't recall it all without crying again. I do love my mum, but boy can she be harsh! I don't think I've been this upset in a very long time. All the optimism I talked about in the last post has deserted me tonight :( I sent a text to my cousin about how I'm feeling and some of the things I said scares me. I feel like I'm slipping back down into the dark place. And I don't want to. Not again. I'm hoping that writing down my feelings will help and maybe let other people know they're not alone if they're dealing with something similar.
I'm sick and fucking tired of people telling me I have to look a certain way. Especially Tamils. Go get a bloody life. I'm not your fucking concern. Don't worry, you're not going to have to find me a husband, I've done that myself. And seeing as that what most of them are worried about, I've solved that. So fuck off. If my boyfriend can look at me, and not throw up in my face, then I'm doing well.

If anyone feels as crap as I do right now, feel free to talk to me. Apparently I'm a good listener xx